In the five and a half months I’ve been silent here, much has changed in my life. I finished my schooling and said good-bye to another chapter in my life, we packed up our familiar condo and moved across the road to a new one, we went on a spontaneous trip back to Europe where we visited London, Paris, and the region of Normandie in France. But the biggest change was realizing that my life would never be the same again, that whatever I attributed ‘normal’ to, I would never fully experience again. From that moment forward I would forever be a different person.
In the middle of May on the same day we found out that our offer on a new condo was accepted, we also found out we were expecting. In the middle of finishing up my program and working with wonderful clients I suddenly found myself dealing with being constantly hungry and no energy to dealing with the a month a half of intense morning sickness where I couldn’t hold anything down. It was so bad that I didn’t even get out of bed most days and when we were packing up our home and moving into a new one, my mum had to come and help while I laid on the bathroom floor hoping the cold tiles would cool me down.
I won’t go into the details, but it was one of the most frustrating moments of my life.
Once I felt like I could get out of bed, I suddenly found myself working back in corporate. None of my ideals of what my life would look like if I happened to ever to get pregnant were coming true. I went through probably another month of dealing with what I thought my life would look like to what reality really was. If I’m honest, I really resented being pregnant and the changes it was putting on me that were completely out of my control.
Once I thought I had morning sickness and my resentment under control, my body has been wrecked with migraines. I’ve dealt with them before, but being pregnant has left me with no way to take medication other than rest and a dark room.
Then, in the middle of it all, there was a moment when we thought our baby was sick and we didn’t know if our future would have our baby in it or not. I have never felt so completely helpless than those three weeks of stressful waiting.
Yet through every single step of this season in my life, this has been the only time I have ever felt so confident and peaceful about the decisions I’m making. Call it mother’s intuition or instinct but I’m so at peace with everything this pregnancy has brought me. It is not the pregnancy I dreamed of (mostly because I never dreamed of being pregnant nor wanted children) but I do believe that this is the pregnancy I’m supposed to have. I’m being shown something: that through this all I’m still living a gorgeous life, that I’m surrounded by positive, beautiful, and loving family and friends. That life isn’t always what we expect it to be, but that the beauty is still there if you’re willing to look for it.
That even though life throws you curve ball after curve ball, your heart will expand to see beauty in moments that you would have hid from. That somehow when you think you can’t take anymore and you are weeping on the bathroom floor praying that someone would make it all stop, you find yourself with more strength than before and you’re able to stand tall (in four inch heels), head held high, hair done and feeling proud, graceful, and so full of love and happiness.
This year, on this Thanksgiving Monday, I am thankful for the life I am living. That I have a wonderful loving husband who has stood beside me (or comforted me when I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore), my family (both his and mine) who have done everything in their power to ease this pregnancy, for friends near and far who check in to see how I’m doing – even when I don’t have the strength or energy to send a response, and also for our baby that is strong, healthy, and growing in my belly – for all the little kicks when I sing, of somehow knowing when I need comfort it does a little tumble in my body, for teaching me that life isn’t perfect but no matter what it’s beautiful and so full of love.
In light of Thanksgiving, before we met up with family, Mister took me for a mini photoshoot to celebrate this season in my life. Even though it hasn’t been easy these pictures reflect internally how I feel: beautiful, elegant, sophisticated, and ready to face the world!