The month of May I had set out to be the month of changes. I read It starts with food at the end of April and realized that even though I thought I was eating healthy I was still missing the mark, so I dedicated May  to eating healthier.  May is also the month to start my yoga routine of daily sun salutations to stretch out my body and gain some strength back. I had also decided that May was going to be the month that for 30 days I’d document, through video, me working through the fear that is holding me back. I had big plans for May.

So here I am on day 6 and let me tell you, so far I feel like I only committed half way.

The only thing I feel like I committed myself to was my morning yoga practice, and that is due to the fact that on May 1st while putting my babe in her pram I tweaked my back and have been hurting ever since. So each day I find myself on my mat and go through my poses, and I’m so thankful that I tweaked my back because I’m sure by now I might have found an excuse not to spend time in downward dog when my body truly needs it.

My plan to eat healthier has improved. I didn’t set myself on a strict diet as I don’t truly believe in those, but I stocked my pantry and fridge with everything I’d need for meals at home. It’s going out that is proving to be difficult to find healthy choices when I’m surrounded by buttery pastries and sugary bonbons. I have been able to resist the temptation, mostly, but when I’m famished I typically find a sandwich on my plate even though I’m avoiding bread.

The one thing that has me feeling the most frustrated was my plan to document 30 days of me working through the fear. I knew I needed to do this to achieve some goals in my life and knew that fear was holding me back. Day One I sat down and documented it, and the next thing I knew my computer crashed. I couldn’t export my video so I walked away from it all. I’ve been feeling ashamed ever since.

Here I am with a goal and but the first sign of a set back, I walk away. When I wanted to work through the fear that was holding me back, I let it fold me over instead.

I want to say I’ll get back on my feet and start afresh tomorrow, that it was just a tiny set back. But in all honesty I know I won’t. Not this month. I’m being honest with you, I’m not ready to work through the fear yet. I want to be, I really do. But I’m not. Perhaps next month or later this year.

The first step is acknowledging the fear to be able to work through it, so at least I’ve accomplished the first step!