I stood in my parent’s kitchen, with a cup of hot coffee in my hands, leaning against the counter while my childhood mentor looked at me with every ounce of love and care in her eyes. “I’m worried for you, please know that I’m praying that you find your way back”. I looked down when the hot tears threatened to spill, but I knew they were not because I was ashamed but because I knew I was hurting those who meant the world to me. I was turning my back on something I had grew up believing and was throwing it all to the wind to find my own way.
“Thank you” I finally said “But I don’t feel like I’m back sliding” knowing full well that everyone else in my position had uttered the same, but also knowing that I wasn’t ‘back sliding’ per say but was exploring a new option, something that felt right within my heart.
Two months earlier I had closed the dark navy leather cover of my bible filled with messages of hope and forgiveness, my handwriting written on almost every single page, and gave up. I felt tired, confused, and no longer able to keep up in the race of being a status quo Christian. I had spent the past 24 years of my life reading and living out the words that I had highlighted and felt completely empty. I bowed my head and said or prayed, its the same to me, “I’m trying something new because this is just not working”. The next week I walked away from 12 years of youth leadership, worship team participation, and the family I had built around me. It was one of the hardest and easiest decisions I had ever made. I made the decision to turn away from the Church.
Standing back in the kitchen, my parents and my mentor were pleading with me to come back to God and to stop living in the world. But I knew I couldn’t do what they were asking or expecting of me. I was finally happy with a decision and I knew this was the path I was meant to be on. I still struggled with what people were thinking of me since I wasn’t attending church but I was determined to prove that Church did not dictate my relationship with God. My heart, my mind, and my actions were stronger indicators. I couldn’t explain it at the time and didn’t really know what the outcome would be but I knew I had to follow through on this. I said it would only be a few months, a year, at most. It’s now coming up to 5 years.
The first year was the hardest, dealing with all my previous beliefs of who I was and who I was turning into, dealing with what people thought of me for turning away and them saying I was no longer a Christian, of being angry at God. But then it got easier not being involved, to defend myself when I was accused, and to forgive those who did not understand. But the biggest thing I learned was forgiving myself and learning to trust who I was.
It took four years, but I was finally able to forgive myself for creating a box to place my god in, I was able to forgive the Church for placing limitations on me and instilling fear in my heart, and I was finally able to trust that this journey I decided to embark on was not on my own accord but created by him for us to do together so that I could learn the true heart of my god and all that it means to me.
It took me almost five years to know that following my heart, when it’s something that people don’t understand or has no boundaries is one of the most important things I could have ever done.
I still do not attend a service but every church we enter during our travels I spend time in meditation and praise, I no longer participate in worship or read my bible but walks through nature and exploring this beautiful world has brought me closer to my god, and the god of my childhood has finally given over to the god of my future and it is a beautiful, gracious, and glorious being … one that I am proud to know.
Are you following your heart, despite what people will think of you, how your family will react, or how you believe you are supposed to be?
Love your honesty friend. Amazing how quickly people assume that walking away from ‘church’ is somehow walking away from God or spirituality. Church is broken people and practice; Community is relationship and can be found within and outside of church. Keep writing~
Yes, Lesley I am following my heart … I did a lot of things in the past because I thought people expected it from me and most of all in contact with my sister .. I never wanted to hurt my parents … but finally I snapped. It’s a long story and maybe if we meet again, Lesley, I will tell you what happened. It is not something I want to share on the Internet. I did hurt my parents when I finally told them, but they were glad I finally told them what my “problem” was. It still hurts, but boy: thatpeace in my heart!
Hi Pumpkin, God still loves you no matter what. You will never lose your Salvation. Don’t forget the poem “Foot Prints” he’s always with you and protecting you. I know that for sure, when I was drowning, he pulled me out of the water, as I was hooked on a depth sounder and couldn’t get loose. I called on our Jesus and was yanked out of the water, couldn’t walk right for about 6 weeks my leg was so sore, it was a constant reminder of what Love he has for me/us.
Hi Lesley
I haven’t seen you in FOREVER but loved what you wrote. I’ve had a very similar experience and you expressed it so eloquently. It’s been very interesting “living in the world” which was something we were always taught to fear, but in fact I feel closer to God and much more the person I’m meant to be than ever before. I now believe God is much more flexible and available and accessible than I grew up believing.
Good for you Lesley! Glad to hear that you are following your heart and that it has brought you to such a special place.
I totally support you and your choice.
I was raised in a mixed faith family, Catholic and Protestant. My early education was in a Catholic private school and I attended church every Sunday. I had my First Communion when I was 6 and many years later was confirmed in the United Church. I was part of Young People’s groups and taught Sunday school. Then at the age of 19 I met and fell in love with a Jewish man who was brought up in a Jewish home with all their traditions. We married 40 years ago and our marriage thrived as we grew and learned together. We never attended either a Church or a Synagogue but we loved and respected each other and the life we were building. This was an enormous step as you can imagine; however, our actions drew our 2 families together as we never could have forseen. Our Mothers became wonderful friends and our families have grown and formed bonds that nothing could break. We have 2 children who have become amazing adults and now 2 (soon to be 3) grandchildren who have given our parents enormous pleasure. Also, both families became more tolerant and forgiving and this has helped them enormously over the years as their traditions have been often tested. No one has lost their faith we just practice it differently but in the end it all comes down to being good people and practicing those values we were taught as children. These values can be passed on very easily without attending a church and prayers are heard from anyplace, anytime, anywhere.
Stay true to yourself and you will always find your way.
Totally hear you on the whole, the first year was the hardest! I so relate to your experience, though I know every journey is unique. Five years later for me and I feel more confident and at rest than ever. Thanks for sharing!!
Beautiful blog post, so relate to what you’re writing! Wonderful to read that you believe in God and found your own way to get to know his heart. I left the (evangelical) church building a long time ago, too. Have been trying since to find other ways to ‘be’ church with other people, without boundaries and unnecessary habits. But, for me and my husband, it’s still a struggle!
Oh, and you write so beautifully, I think you could write books and articles for a living, too. 😉
Lesley, I so love that you shared this! xoxo