5 Things I’m afraid to tell you

lesley stefanski, writing, what are you afraid of

It is well known, if you’ve been following this space for awhile now, that I go through phases of blogging. Either I’m “all in” or I’m “all out”. But the funny this is, that when I’m all out I can’t stop thinking about it or dreaming up new posts, or wishing I had the determination to keep at it. It weighs heavily on me that I can’t consistently blog like other writers.

I’ve decided to jump back on my “all in” wagon because I feel like I still have a place, or at least want to have a place, here on the internet. I feel like my voice needs to be heard and that someone is looking for what I have to say. That sounds very narcissistic, but it’s coming from a very heart centred place. As much as I’ve tried to just let this home of mine go and that writing just for myself is good enough, it’s not. I’ve tried it and it just doesn’t work.

As I began to move towards writing here again, I decided I needed a fresh look and feel. I needed to refocus on why I was on the internet and the first place so I deleted a bunch of copy, rewrote my about page and really honed in on what it was I wanted to bring to the world.

Because I believe in transparency and honesty I thought I would begin this rendition of “all in” with:

5 things I’m afraid to tell you:

  1. When I’m quiet on my blog or social media it is typically because I’m internally processing my thoughts. During that quiet phase I’m always nervous that people will leave so I feel this anxiety that I have to share even though I know I can’t mentally share my thoughts. So I end up sharing silly things that in the end I am embarrassed about instead of being really proud of sharing.
  2. I’m afraid of rejection, big time. My enneagram is type 9, the peace maker, which means that I’ll do anything I possibly can to avoid rejection or conflict. This means that I can become very passive about life and what I want from it. So even though I’m all for “live what you love” sometimes I can’t even force myself to do it because I would rather not rock the boat.
  3. I’m afraid of sharing what I’m interested in because I feel like people will call me a flake (see point 2). What I’m interested can change from month to month, day to day, hour to hour even! I once had a running joke with a friend that I would text her when I had my next interest. No joke I texted her more than 10 times in a hour telling her what my next interest was. A fashion buyer/barre fitness instructor/learn calligraphy/market high end houses…the list went on and on.
  4. Whenever I’m on the trail of a new interest I want to tell everybody. I want everyone to jump on board with me because I think it’s the greatest idea ever. I want to share and teach my findings, but I always hold myself back because I’m afraid that I’ll be looked at as someone who is flighty or can’t stay dedicated to something. In the end I keep almost everything to myself and not share because I’m also afraid of someone labeling me as “if one cannot do, they teach”.
  5. I’m afraid this phase of “all in” will be short lived and I should just give up this whole idea of wanting to share my interests with anyone (see point 3 and 4) and that my dream of writing for a living is just one big pipe dream.

So there you have it. All the things I’m afraid to tell pretty much anyone out there in the open. Now I’m going to go and light a candle, pour myself some tea and hopefully not regret this post tomorrow.